I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
