so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
