The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
