I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
