How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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