I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
