What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
