Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Stone age, man.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.