Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
ra ra ra ah ah
sexting lady gaga style
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i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
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This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix