My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."