She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
