dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
