I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
foreskin is a definite game changer
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
