Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I need to align my fucking chakras
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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