The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
