He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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