In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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