The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
