I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
