Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
