If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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