and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You took a bar mat shot.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Randomize
