After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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