I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
time to smoke my breakfast
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
