There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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