Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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