my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
So much rum. So many feels.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
