she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
