Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
