Your mouth is God's brothel.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
