oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
