you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
