today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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