Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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