And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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