Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
