her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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