the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Houston, we have a squirter
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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