Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
