Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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