oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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