Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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