i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
