My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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