I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
