I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
