Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
