my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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