I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
