I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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