At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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