Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
