Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
