based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Dating After Heartbreak
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??