the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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