also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Randomize
