Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I think people are normalizing furries
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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