Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Randomize
