One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
