Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
