I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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