don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
