im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
