i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
